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I Promised Not to Tell: Raising a Transgender Child

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What is unique about this story is that it follows one transgender child from birth through age eighteen. You get a real sense of what this family went through. Their son's desperate effort to comply to societal gender norms, a suicide attempt, a family members struggle with God and transgenderism, a heart breaking death and much more. Every step of their son's transition from female to male (FTM) is discussed in detail, including hormone replacement therapy and sex reassignment surgeries. This book shares it all in the hopes of making a difference in what seems like a harsh and cruel world for transgender people.


In the beginning, transgenderism was not even on Mom’s radar. There was a so much to learn. She went from knowing nothing at all about the subject to becoming significantly more knowledgeable. The journey this family took is spelled out in the pages of this book in the hope that it offers encouragement, support and wisdom to others. Mom shares many of the resources she used along her own family’s journey and extends to you a friendship that goes far beyond the pages of this book.


This is a uniquely written and thought provoking true story which transitions beautifully between the family’s personal journey and some of the larger societal issues that face the transgender community today.


Even if you don't know a transgender person, this book will make you feel as if you do. If you have been curious about this topic this mother's story will certainly provide you with great insight. Perhaps you are a transgender person and looking for a book that can help you explain and introduce the topic to your family and friends. This book can help pave the way to acceptance and understanding. I Promised Not to Tell - Raising a transgender child is a honest and timely memoir.

230 pages, ebook

First published July 15, 2016

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About the author

Cheryl B. Evans

8 books64 followers
Wife, mother, friend and award-winning author. Cheryl B. Evans was born and raised in Canada. She has been happily married to her husband for more than twenty-three years and together they have raised two wonderful children, one of whom is transgender.

In her spare time, Cheryl is an avid reader of non-fiction books and when she isn't writing or reading, she enjoys painting on canvas with acrylics. Cheryl's close friend writes this about her: "As a person Cheryl B. Evans is determined, and ambitious, frank, persistent and supportive. She loves to laugh, drink flavoured coffee and eat chocolate. She will stop at nothing to support your kids, husband and family. She provides support to friends when they call crying. She is an advisor to all. No matter what the situation is she always comes out strong and smiling."

Cheryl B. Evans co-wrote another successful book under her real name. Unfortunately, do to the sensitivity of her book "I Promised Not to Tell" we are unable to say much about her other book. We can tell you that it was also a non-fiction book and sold over 50,000 copies in Canada alone.In reviewing her current book "I Promised Not to Tell" we think you will find her to be an honest writer who speaks from the heart. It is the author's personal desire that the book leave a positive mark on the world helping others to better understand transgender people.

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Displaying 1 - 30 of 53 reviews
Profile Image for Diane Yannick.
569 reviews814 followers
September 11, 2016
I was provided with a free e-book by the author for this honest review. Any mistakes I make with terminology or understanding are entirely my fault as I'm still learning. I am interested in this topic primarily as a 68 year old woman who tries to understand human rights issues of all kinds. I also have a close 50 year old friend who is currently transitioning FTM after decades of being trapped in the wrong body and spending way too much time in psychiatric hospitals. I have been a cheerleader for her transition as she navigates her journey. This book was a gift to me and anyone else who needs or wants an honest look at transgender issues.

Jim and Cheryl (pseudonyms, I know) give Jordan amazing support and love as he expresses his gender identity from an early age. Their decisions about the timing of his surgeries are made jointly and in their son's best interest. No obstacle was too huge for this family. It helped that Jordan was certain about what he wanted and never wavered. After reading this book and Becoming Nicole, I am certain that some are born with a gender dysphoria that must be addressed in order to have a shot at happiness. Jordan always thought of himself as a boy and feels no need to label himself as FTM or transgender. He just needed to get his body synchronized with his mind.

Cheryl Evans makes nothing off limits. She addresses testosterone, top and bottom surgery, dating, bathrooms, safety plus lots more. I learned about the difficulty of changing your gender identity legally. (I realize that they live in Canada but know that many of the same obstacles are also encountered in the USA.) She did not try to sugar coat the effect that Jordan's transition had on his sister.

After reading this book, I now believe that minimum ages for surgery need to be determined case by case. I believe that there are other kids like Jordan who absolutely know who they are at an early age and are ready for surgery in their teens. Jordan seems smart, articulate and compassionate. After high school, I can see him helping others to forge their own path. I hope that in the near future the craziness of HB2 and other senseless legal and insurance regulations will completely disappear.

Thanks you Cheryl for your sharing your family's story.





Profile Image for Julie Garner.
680 reviews28 followers
November 3, 2016
I read this book with an open mind and heart. After Raising Ryland, I wanted to know more about the transgender community and the author of this book offered me a copy in return for an honest review.
Honestly, although this book deals with some tough subjects and hard emotions, it was easy to read. The language and writing style is something that you can tell has come from the girl next door, not a doctor, not someone who loves to play with words, but just someone who wanted to share her story in the only way she knew how.
Cheryl has shared what her family was going through, especially her son Jordan. What I found different about this book was not Cheryl's reaction to Jordan's needs, or her faith in God, but the fact that Jordan was nearly 10 years older than Ryland when he was able to verbalise his needs. I am not going to compare the two boys, their families or their stories but, in reading both books I have been able to see their journey through different eyes and at different ages.
I have always been interested in what a teenager wants and needs when it comes to their gender dysphoria. What I love about Cheryl's journey is that she does not hold back. She tells us what Jordan needed and how they went about it. I always knew inside that when someone needs to feel comfortable in their body they would do whatever they needed to in order for this to happen. Jordan needed different things at different times and lucky for him, his family supported him in all of his choices.
I found the different way countries deal with this topic quite interesting and I love that Canada seems to be ahead of the game with most of it. Imagine the heartbreak of the American Transgender Kids and Adults who have to use a bathroom, just because their birth certificate says they were born a certain way. People today should be made to feel safe in their bodies and in their minds. Things like this attack their very health in an exceptionally harsh way.
I know that Jordan didn't want his story to be told, but I really appreciate that you were able to tell it. I have a better understanding behind wanting to change things that seem so little to me and why they aren't so little, such as their birth certificate gender. Then there are the big ones, like surgery. Your family is very brave for making sure you son is safe and happy. I applaud you following through to ensure that he is who is. I also applaud you for sharing a journey that has not been easy and I am sure that there will more for you all to face. Hopefully one day, these changes will just be a part of life and we won't need people to tell their stories so that we can understand.
Profile Image for Peter Green.
Author 8 books18 followers
March 22, 2017
CALM CANADIAN MOM COUNSELS TRANSGENDER CHILD—AND THE REST OF US

While we Americans seem stymied by the hate speech which divides our country, we might well pause, take a deep breath of cool, Canadian air and heed a cue on a contentious issue from our neighbors to the north. Confronted with a daughter who had felt and dressed like a boy from early childhood, preferred sports to dolls and who at 13, wished she were a boy, Cheryl Evans and her husband crisscross their country in search of experts who can help the family solve their dilemma. After much study, prayer and consultation with their child, they all agree that sex reassignment is the best way to proceed. The book resulting from their journey into the unknown serves as a fascinating history of how this well-intentioned family, not unlike yours or mine, faced this stark diagnosis and moreover serves as a manual for anyone confronted with a similar issue. The intelligent role played by school principals. medical professionals and even the government of Ontario province further sets an example for all of tolerance, behavior toward each other and public service we should all try to emulate.

No one in this family, including their elder daughter, escapes doubt, emotional conflict and the fear of hateful judgment visited upon them by self-righteous critics acting in the name of God. Deeply religious herself, Evans read the entire Bible (it took her seven months) to see whether these pious people’s claims were really His word—and found much evidence to the contrary. She concludes that the key to understanding these sacred texts lies in their interpretation with wisdom and love.

The proof of this approach still lies ahead, but their new son was able to enter high school in a nearby, different district as a new person, has never been happier nor more successful his studies and looks forward to his third and final sex-change surgery with brave anticipation. This book is well-drafted in a brisk. readable style and should be must reading, not only for those families with a transgender child, but for all of us, so we may understand, accept and relate to such individuals in a normal, friendly and healthy way.

—Peter H. Green, co-author of Radio: One Woman’s Family in War and Pieces
Profile Image for Laurie • The Baking Bookworm.
1,530 reviews468 followers
August 5, 2016
4.5/5 STARS - I agreed to review this book because, while I'm not a mother of a transgender child, I wanted to learn more. I wanted to understand. There has been so much in the media about transgenderism in the last few years but it was often relayed with a very slanted and sensational purpose. My knowledge thus far had been to see some transgender celebrities on TV and read Becoming Nicole by Amy Ellis Nutt a couple of months ago. My knowledge base was meager to say the least.

With I Promised Not To Tell, Evans has shone a bright light on the emotional, social and personal implications of someone struggling to be their authentic gender. This is Evans' personal story as a mother of a transgender child and how her family helped her daughter Jordan transition from female to male within the Canadian health, educational and legal systems. Her writing style is quite casual and has an easy-going conversational feel and yet she has provided a great resource for parents of transgender children as well as the general public to get a better idea about the struggles for those who are transgender.

This is a story about family and two parents whose only desire is for their two children to be happy. This fact is proven time and again in the book as Evans details how they educated themselves about transgenderism and became staunch advocates for Jordan as he transitioned from female to male as he went into puberty. Evans admits her family's mistakes during the process and details their struggles to come to terms with the reality that their child/sister is transgender. There was a lot of adjustment to expectations and it seemed that their older daughter Mariah struggled the most. Evans touches on how Mariah was influenced by people with strong religious convictions (who deem transgender people being 'not of God') and while Mariah is said to be someone who doesn't want to be in the spotlight, it would have been interesting to get her personal, and no doubt, emotional take on the changes her sister went through. I respect the fact that Evans has changed the names of her family and hidden her own identity to honour her son and his desire to remain anonymous.

This is a great book for the general public to get an idea of what transgender means but ultimately it is a wonderfully detailed resource for parents of transgender children with a very personal feel. It is a guide to help parents understand and be able to navigate the educational, health care and legal systems as their child transitions to their rightful gender. For a small book, Evans packs a lot of information about gender dysphoria (gender identity disorder) and issues affecting transgender people including the washroom debate, dating, others thinking that transgenderism can be 'fixed', the risk of entrusting the knowledge of your transgenderism to a romantic partner, gender affirming surgery (commonly referred to as gender reassignment surgery) etc. She also outlines the importance of being able to change the gender on passports, birth certificates, driver's license, health cards etc - something I had never given much thought to - and how being denied the right to change that little F to an M or visa versa can impact a person's need to be considered their correct gender in every aspect, including legally.

At the end of the book Evans provides her readers with many resources for further information. Evans has done the leg work and successfully raised a confident and much happier son which will hopefully aid other parents in similar situations. Through this book I hope that Evans is able to open some minds, provide some clarity to gender dysphoria and dispel myths and misinformation surrounding transgenderism. Evans has proven that love for one's child is a very strong motivator and I applaud her for bringing her family's story forward to help others. If you or someone you know is struggling with gender dysphoria I highly recommend this valuable resource.

Favourite Quotes:

"Everyone's life matters and everyone deserves to be happy but not everyone is in a place where they think, or even believe, happiness is possible."

"The most basic thing about transgender people is they truly believe they're the gender they identify with! Transgender women do not think of themselves as men wearing women's clothing, they ARE women."

Disclaimer: My sincere thanks to the author for providing me with a complimentary ebook copy of her book in exchange for my honest review.
Profile Image for Hillary Whittington.
4 reviews19 followers
September 28, 2016
“I Promised Not to Tell: Raising a Transgender Child” by Cheryl B. Evans was a genuine, touching account of a mother who has her child’s best interest at the forefront of her journey. I rarely read a book in one day but this one was an exception, since it was difficult to put down. As a mother of a transgender child, I related to so many aspects of Cheryl’s story- the triumphs and tribulations of supporting your child when other’s don’t understand- and I was grateful for her willingness to be honest on all levels. I have no doubt this book will serve as a comfort for families with similar situations, as well as an educational tool for those interested in learning more about gender creative children. Thank you so much for writing "I Promised Not to Tell"!!!
Profile Image for Brenda Mohammed.
Author 72 books119 followers
May 15, 2017
‘I promised not to Tell’ is a heart-rending story of parents who were faced with a dilemma when their daughter decided she wanted to change her gender. As any loving parents will do, they accepted her decision after many consultations with the right people.
I chose to read this book because it brought back memories of my hairdresser who was a handsome young boy when I met him. He had approached other banks for a loan to extend his hairdressing business and was turned down but never told me the reason. During my visits to him to have my hair done, I noticed that he was changing physically, but did not think much of it. I offered to have a look at his loan proposal.
When he turned up at my bank to request the loan, he was dressed like a woman. He was required to fill out insurance documents to cover the loan, which I had approved.
Next to gender, he ticked ‘Female.’
The Insurance Medical doctor examined him and confirmed that he was female.
It was then I understood.
He had undergone surgery for biological change.
I was glad that I did not discriminate, despite opposition from other managers and staff members. Today she is a top hairdresser, owns a fabulous house, and a state of the art beauty salon. The rich and famous frequent her salon. She is also a beautiful woman admired by many.
The author is right. “Love, patience, and time, really do heal.”
Her story was told from the heart. It was nothing she expected or hoped for, but she accepted her child’s decision in order to save his life and for him to be healthy and happy.
I like this statement by the author: “More loving, more accepting and less judging is what we so desperately need in this world today.”
This book is educational and very helpful for parents who have children facing similar circumstances, as well as for parents who have no such issues.
It should be read by all.
Profile Image for Jonathan Fryer.
Author 46 books29 followers
October 5, 2017
Gender dysphoria is something that has been increasingly understood in the modern world, though public attitudes have not necessarily adapted as quickly as they should. Let's be honest, the subject makes many people feel uncomfortable, yet there is no logical reason why it should, as long as love and respect rule in one's dealings with a person who has identified with a different gender from the one into which they were born. It is intriguing how young many transgender people are when they realise their true selves. "jordan", the second child of author Cheryl B Evans, was just a toddler when he rejected his female traits. He was fortunate in having parents who were so supportive of his transition, and in living in Canada, which is more progressive in such matters than some parts of the United States, for example. For his mother the journey the family took together was at times challenging, but ultimately fruitful. Though this book will of special interest to parents raising a transgender child (there is lots of practical advice) it should have much wider appeal, not least because it is written with the charming simplicity of sincerity.
Profile Image for Jess.
451 reviews12 followers
January 22, 2021
I have decided to pick this book up even though I am neither married nor a mother. I have read books coming from the perspective of an individual of LGBTQIA+ and this comes from the mother of one. It definitely intrigued me because I wanted to understand and learn more of the supportive community for them.

At first, there were a few words used in the book that made me frowned. But with the understanding that this was written from a mother, the words used did make sense to a certain level. But anyway, I was not reading to judge. I was reading to understand the journey of the author in raising her child. And it was definitely unexpected to see how the author addressed these thoughts of mine at her last chapter of the book.

This book was beautifully written and very much resourceful for those whos on the same journey. The narration was easy to read and the chapters were very neatly organized. Overall, the book was entertaining, inspiring and very much engaging. This is also a great book to start with if you decided to venture into queer nonfiction reads.

Profile Image for Viga Boland.
Author 15 books41 followers
June 26, 2016
In the closing pages of I PROMISED NOT TO TELL by Cheryl B. Evans, the author says she wonders if she has made a mistake in publishing this book. Let me begin by assuring her the only mistake would have been to not publish it. I PROMISED NOT TO TELL is quite possibly one of the most important books to date on a very controversial, and little understood social issue: transgenderism. And what makes it even more valuable is that the focus is on helping parents recognize, and whether they like it or not, accept that their daughter might actually be a son or vice versa.

To enlighten others about some of the dreadful problems associated with a child being transgender, since she promised not to tell, Cheryl B. Evans has had to use fictitious names for real people. The real people in this story are members of her own family. I PROMISED NOT TO TELL is about Cheryl’s daughter, Jordan, whose transition from female to male begins around the time of puberty. Had the parents ignored or dismissed the warning signs that things just weren’t right for Jordan at that time, this story would most likely have had an unwanted and tragic ending.

But as Cheryl B. Evans states early in I PROMISED NOT TO TELL, and repeats throughout the book, what she and her husband wanted most for her children was their happiness. And everything these parents do in this book proves they mean what they say. They listened to, and trusted in what Jordan believed was right for her; they educated themselves on transgenderism; they located knowledgeable therapists and doctors, and stood united and strong beside their daughter when faced with religious ignorance that claims such children are “not of God”.

Cheryl B. Evans has documented each life-changing step of Jordan’s transition from female to male so that others who may be facing the same issues and don’t know where to turn have a place to start, coupled with the knowledge they are not alone. Cheryl addresses issues like washroom use, dating in later years and the gender affirming surgeries more frequently called sex reassignment. At the end of the book she includes a list of resources and contacts, including the names of doctors her family worked with.

Other issues raised by Cheryl are the complications that arise with simple day to day things like passports, birth certificates, driving licences etc. Think of all the official forms we fill out daily that ask us to identify ourselves as M or F. Well, what happens when F is now M? This paperwork can take months, years to change over. And on deeper levels, Cheryl makes one look at the ramifications of dating, falling in love, and falling out of love with someone who knows your secret and then tells all your mutual friends. Again, we face another social situation where people are forced to hide their true selves. As if there isn’t enough cover up of so much in our world already.

I’m sure it’s Cheryl’s hope that, if nothing else, I PROMISED NOT TO TELL will open a few more minds, clarify the myths and falsehoods, and get more people talking openly about what being transgender really means. If you are facing such a situation with your child, I urge you to read this book. Both you and your child need what Cheryl has so kindly shared with readers and parents. And when you do, I’m sure you will come away impressed not just by the courage shown by Jordan in this book, but by the love Cheryl and her husband have for their children. That love affirms what I’ve always believed: true love has nothing to do with gender. Love is love. I loved I PROMISED NOT TO TELL. Highly recommended reading.

Viga Boland
Learning to Love Myself: A memoir of healing after child sexual abuse
Love Has No Gender
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The Ladies of Loretto
Profile Image for Angie.
212 reviews31 followers
September 10, 2016
Originally posted @ https://readaholiczone.blogspot.com/2...

This is an engaging read written through the eyes of a loving mother with a transgender child. The prose reads like you are having a personal conversation with the author who being a greenhorn when it comes to writing did well with composing this book.

The sole purpose of this book is to educate all people about what it is to be transgender. Therefore, is not exclusively intended for families with a transgender child, but for all people due to the importance of knowing what it means to be transgender in today’s society. The correct term is Gender Dysphoria where people identify with a gender different from the one they were assigned at birth due to genetics and the biological makeup of their brain. Transgender is not about being gay or straight. It is not a mental illness. They are not pedophiles just because they want to use the bathroom that matches their “gender identity”. The book does explain all aspects of what it is like to have Gender Dysphoria from how it affects them mentally, the physical alterations that have to take place, also the enormous effects on the family and how detrimental it is for the family to be supportive and understanding.

“The most basic thing about transgender people is they truly believe they are the gender they identify with! Transgender women do not think of themselves as men wearing women’s clothing, they ARE women. Naturally, they should be in a woman’s washroom.”


This is not the first book that I have read in regard to someone's journey transitioning from one sex to another, but it is the one I have learned the most from. I believe this is due to the fact that it is written from the viewpoint of a person who is standing back and watching it all occur whereas also involved. Therefore, everything the mother saw or went through with her child so does the reader. You are there when Jordan first goes to school as a boy, you are educated by the doctors at the same time the family is, learning about the importance of hormones, go through surgeries, and learn what a packer is along with his outstanding mother. In addition to, the obstacles that you do not think of like having to change the gender on passports, birth certificates, and driver's license. It is hard, but Cheryl gets it done.

The word of God says love thy neighbor, it doesn’t say love thy neighbor except for the ones you do not like...It also says in the bible that God looks at one’s heart, not at one’s outward appearance.


This is not just a book it is a learning experience. An important one for people of all ages. There is so much more I would like to mention about what I read, I could brag about this book for pages, though I think it is more important that you pick up a copy and read it for yourself.
Profile Image for J. James.
Author 2 books26 followers
September 27, 2016
In all honesty this is not a book I would have picked up and read but I am so glad that I was lucky enough to have been given the opportunity by the author. I Promise Not to Tell is a book that should be required reading for everyone. This is a topic that is not the easiest to tackle but the author dealt with it with sensitivity, compassion and understanding and this was because the story is told from the point of view of a parent of a transgender child. All the way through the book I kept thinking how blessed Jordan was to have such loving, understanding parents who were prepared to do anything for their child. The author did a great job of not coming across as judgemental towards others who displayed quite narrow points of view and I really connected with how she said, 'Your curiosity does not make it your business to know or have the right to question.' The chapter about washrooms was also very good and really highlighted just how stupid this recent debate has become.
The author sets out clear objectives of what she wanted to achieve in writing and publishing this book and there is no question that she has achieved this. It did sometimes feel like the book was written by a parent for other parents and since I am not a parent myself that did sometimes cause me to disconnect with the book a little. I think the author may have underestimated the impact the book could have on a wider audience. This book certainly made me stop, think, reconsider and develop a much more sympathetic and understanding view around the issue of Transgenderism.
It is very easy to read high profile books that have huge marketing campaigns, written by big name authors, but it is books like 'I Promise Not to Tell' that shape the people we become and the views we have towards others. I strongly recommend others to read this book and I wish that young adults in schools were expected to read such texts.
Profile Image for Malli (Chapter Malliumpkin).
830 reviews116 followers
October 12, 2016
The following review is based off my own opinions, thoughts and reactions. So in other words brace yourself. *There may be inappropriate words such as curse words.* You have been advised in advance.*

I want to thank the author for personally contacting me and allowing me the chance to read this book. It was an honor to be given the chance to read this book and being able to give my own opinion/review of the book to help encourage other book lovers to read this book as well. Thank you so much!

description

I think the best way I can sum up my views of this book are in a few words like 'inspired' or 'courage' or even 'emotional'. I honestly can say that reading books like I Promised Not to Tell that I wish more families would come into the light and share their experience with people. Books like these make me smile so much because we live in a world that is so heavily powered by fear that people need to understand that there's no reason to be hateful or fearful of the things they don't understand.

I think I even cried during some parts while reading this book. Even though I don't have kids., I really got a sense and feel for what the family was going through. There were definitely parts that touched me more than others and other parts that I really felt connected to what the family was going through.

All in all I think this is the type of book many people should.Reading this book I definitely felt like I was a part of the family's life and watching them go through everything. Definitely a very well written book worth reading!
Profile Image for Daliah Husu.
Author 2 books6 followers
May 1, 2017
I PROMISED NOT TO TELL: RAISING A TRANSGENDER CHILD tells the story of a family and how they gracefully managed the reality that their youngest child was transgender. The author and mother, Cheryl B. Evans, demonstrates loving concern for the well-being and happiness of her son Jordan, who was born in a female body. Evans is determined to provide Jordan with the best possible medical care, as well as give him the utmost love and support as he navigates through understanding his gender identity and undergoing transition.

This book is more than one family’s journey through what most people would consider an unconventional circumstance; THIS IS A TESTAMENT OF TRUE LOVE in all of its unconditional forms.

As a trans woman, I was moved by Evans choice to keep an open mind as she, too, navigates through Jordan’s self-discovery process and transition. As I read into the story, I related to Jordan’s personal experiences when it came to many of the key issues that trans people struggle with on a daily basis. But what was most refreshing and deeply moving, was the love and support that Evans demonstrated throughout the entire story.

This book is a MUST-READ for any parent, because the underlying message is that loving your children unconditionally is key to their future happiness and emotional health. If I had to give this book an alternate tittle—not that it needs one—I would call it “Unconditionally Yours: A Story of Motherly Love”.
Profile Image for Melissa Lee-Tammeus.
1,474 reviews35 followers
October 5, 2016
This is the go-to book for any family working through the issues of helping a child transition. As a therapist who helps those who would desire to transition, I like to recommend books to him or her and concerned families. This is the one. Written by a mom of a thirteen year old child, she writes candidly and with heart about helping her son become the male he knows he is in on the inside, although being born as a female. This is not only a wonderful account of a supportive and loving family wading through a brand new world, but a tool kit to help others understand the process, what is involved, and how to get help. It is also the book that brings to light all those unsaid fears - unsupportive family members, confusing bathroom issues, legal questions, binding and packing - you name it, it will be addressed here as if you were talking to a friend who "got it." While the editing is a bit sporadic - a lot of possessives are incorrect and there are fragments and little things that may drive a grammar person a bit crazy (yep, me), it is so relatable and real that those little mishaps are more like a reminder that this is from a real person, not some textbook. Which in this case, is pretty awesome.
Profile Image for Kelly Artieri.
Author 14 books5 followers
October 23, 2017
What a wonderful book! I cannot find enough words of praise to describe "I Promised Not To Tell" by Cheryl B. Evans. Her story is a first person account of one mother's love for and acceptance of a transgender child and their journey as a family through the stages of acknowledgement, understanding, and transition. It is an amazing story, without ruffles and flourishes, but with the deep and abiding love of a mother for her child. As the author states, she wants her children to be "healthy and happy" and she and her husband do everything that is within their power to see that this happens.
"I Promised Not To Tell" is both interesting and heartwarming as the author shares her efforts to ensure her child's wellbeing. It is a learning experience recounted with love and punctuated by the hope that others might learn from it.
I highly recommend this book to parents everywhere and to their children, as well. We must all learn to be more accepting and knowledgeable in order to make this world a better place in which to live. Thank you for sharing your words!
Profile Image for Cheryl Evans.
Author 8 books64 followers
February 10, 2017
The whole reason this book was published was to help educate others on gender dysphoria. This deeply personal story covers every step of my son's transition from female to male including hormone replacement therapy, sex reassignment surgeries, dating, and so much more. It is the book I wished I had to read when my son first told us he thought he was transgender. An inspirational journey everyone can learn from but, more than that, it is a road map for other families who have found themselves on a similar path. You can't find this information in a text book. If you read this book, I promise you it will not disappoint. Sincerely, Cheryl. B. Evans - Author of I Promised Not to Tell -Raising a transgender child.
P.S. by adding this book to your shelf you can help me spread the word about this books existence. Together, we can start to enlighten and perhaps even changes minds about transgenderism one reader at a time.
Profile Image for Valerie.
50 reviews1 follower
Read
April 21, 2017
I Promised Not to Tell: Raising a Transgender Child by Cheryl B. Evans is a very intelligent read. This book provides insight into a family who handles their transgender son's transitioning with love and grace. This is a good guide for parents who have no idea how to handle their own transgender child’s transition in a healthy, affirming and loving way.

I am impressed with the loving care that this family displays. I wish more people were interested in understanding gender dysphoria in all its manifestations. People should never suffer the trauma of being uncomfortable in their bodies. I think it is important that everyone read this book.
I truly appreciate this mother sharing her family's story and the loving way that the family has grown with their son during his transition.

This is an unsolicited review, I purchased my copy from Amazon.
Profile Image for Maru Horrisberger.
1 review1 follower
July 30, 2017
After reading the first ten pages, I could not put the book down. Cheryl's writing is so intimate it makes you feel like part of the family. Her account of their journey is detailed and profoundly honest, but she does not stop there: she exploits the knowledge she has gained from this experience to reflect upon life love, religion, society's expectations and the struggle to conform to its implicit set of rules. It does not matter if you do not you know anyone undergoing a transition: this book will bring you to tears. I liked it so much that I proposed to translate it to Spanish. Definitely, a must read for everyone if we hope for a better, more understanding world.
Profile Image for Ann.
Author 4 books11 followers
October 11, 2017
Insightful and informative

Cheryl Evans has opened my eyes--and my heart--to an issue most of us ignore. Her honest and heartfelt account of her son's journey across genders helped me understand the many obstacles one faces when "uncomfortable in their own skin." I particularly appreciated her detailed descriptions of Jordan's struggles as a little person trying to assert her masculinity. At times I felt a bit preached to in the latter parts of the book, but I understand that it's the natural reaction of a mother wanting to teach the rest of us how to respond to transgender individuals.
Profile Image for Catherine  Pinkett.
622 reviews42 followers
March 17, 2017
I picked this book up for diversathon and to widen my understanding about transgender issues. What I loved was that this family did what was best for Jordan, the child and sibling that was much loved.
This is a very useful guide full of information where other people can get further advice if they need help with transgender issues.
This was a very open and honest account from a mother who helped her daughter transition into a happy male. This would not have been easy for all involved.
well done Cheryl Evans for writing this. Anything good to raise awareness and better educate us all.
Profile Image for Raquel Fletcher.
Author 4 books7 followers
October 23, 2017
This book is an important resource for parents of transgender children, or people wanting to know more. It reads like a long essay. Evans doesn't shy away from delicate issues, like sex reassignment surgery and the financial and emotional costs associated with it.

She also gives good advice about who to talk to if your child believes he or she is transgender, as well as how to avoid negative attitudes from uninformed or religious beliefs. Evans changes her family members' names to honour her son's desire to live his life without people knowing he is transgender.
October 23, 2016
Informative and well-written

The author shares from her heart, giving a true testimony from her child's birth to adulthood. She also describes her son's life journey with love and acceptance; along with information for other parents and transgender people to know. This book was well-written and enjoyed by myself, just seeking to be informed.
Profile Image for Mandy Imus.
18 reviews
October 28, 2017
I adored this book. I stared reading this book due to a close friend of mine transitioning and I found it educational and powerful. A story of a mother’s love that is unbreakable. Everyone is a human no matter what their sex is and they deserve to be happy.
Profile Image for Mitch Please.
240 reviews2 followers
July 22, 2019
A year ago I found this heart tugging, but re-reading it, I see in how many ways she did not support her child. I know she tried her best, but as someone who has seen the way similar reactions to hers can hurt a trans person, this book merely made me angry. It was also very poorly written.
Profile Image for Liralen.
2,977 reviews211 followers
December 13, 2016
While we were trying to navigate our family's new reality, Jordan made it clear to me that he just wanted to have an attention free transition. Being a public activist or role model was not on his agenda. He had no interest in being out to the world but rather expressed his desire to just be known as a regular teenage boy. (57)

That's where the title I Promised Not to Tell comes from: Evans is telling her son Jordan's story and their family's story here, but within the bounds of confidentiality (changed names, etc.). It's a complicated story to tell, not only for that reason but because it's ultimately an ongoing story—life doesn't end on the last page of a memoir. I delayed writing this review for a long time, partly because I got sucked up into the vortex that is the second half of the semester and partly because I kept thinking and rethinking about what to say.

I've read a handful of books by people who are transgender (e.g., Redefining Realness, Some Assembly Required) and a few books by parents or outsiders (e.g., Raising Ryland, Becoming Nicole), and in the context of I Promised Not to Tell it's those latter books that I'm most interested in. In all the ones I've read there's been an element of pushback from the parents initially—a sort of 'our child is not conforming and we need to fix that so s/he will be accepted'—though I do want to note here that of course there's going to be some adjustment, and that all the writers, the parents, I'm thinking of, are ultimately wonderfully supportive. I'm taking this more as a reflection of society than of the individuals, but it still strikes me as so terribly sad: Today, says Evans, it gives me some solace knowing she did try to live the way society expects, she truly tried to conform and she failed (23). This was in the context of Jordan having tried to embrace typical femininity, and I take Evans's comment to mean something akin to 'we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there was no other option', but this also comes in the wake of her son's self-injury and suicide attempt. Would that we as a society progress to the point where more children are accepted before it gets to that point. Where all children are accepted before it gets to that point.

Evans reached out to me about reviewing this book because I'd read Raising Ryland, but there are some pretty significant differences here: aside from the fact that Jordan's family has chosen to stay out of the spotlight and Ryland's family has, at least for the time being, embraced it, the time periods are wildly divergent—Ryland is still quite young, while Jordan has largely grown up, going through many more decisions and transitions that are still far in Ryland's future. They both tell important stories, and there's certainly going to be overlap in audience, but it feels more like Venn diagram than total overlap.

Jordan lucked out in a lot of ways—when he got older, for example, his family found a school willing to go to lengths to protect his identity and rights: We were told that the teachers and staff at this high school didn't even need to be made aware that Jordan was a transgender student, says Evans. I wondered about school transcripts and things of that nature because Jordan was registered in school as Jordan Catherine. Mr. Burnell said he was sure he could get all the records changed to reflect only a middle initial of C on all school papers and that all school records prior to Jordan entering high school would be sealed at the board level. This would mean teachers at the high school would not have access to Jordan's earlier report cards or transcripts (57). Evans notes that at previous schools students were largely accepting, and that twenty years earlier he might not have been so fortunate (56), but having the school on board can make things so so so much easier. There are some fascinating divergences in stories, though: in Becoming Nicole, which bathroom Nicole can use is for a long time a source of contention at the school, where authorities want her to use only the staff bathrooms. Here, Evans treats Jordan using staff bathrooms as a great compromise. Both sets of parents have their reasons for falling on whichever side of it, but I do think it's valuable to see those differences. No two stories are the same.

(A side note, just because I think it's utterly ridiculous: By waiting until after Jordan's second surgery, his second surgery was covered by OHIP. Had we changed his gender marker (at least on his health card) to male prior to his BSO and Hysterectomy, the cost of that surgery would not have been covered (86). WTF? I do not understand. I mean, I understand the author. I do not understand the policy. That's like...like...I don't have a good example. It's like saying that...because you're a legal adult the dentist will no longer look at your baby teeth, even though they're still there and causing problems...or something...again, not a good example. I want more information. What if, for example, somebody who'd had the gender marker changed but not had 'bottom' surgery developed testicular or ovarian cancer? Would treatment not be covered because it's a sex-specific problem? I am so confused.)

I am going on and on and on here—this is becoming an epic—so I'll wrap up. Two things that I wish had been expanded upon: First, the relationship with Jordan's sister is depicted as very fractured throughout the book—take this, for example: I asked Mariah one day how she was feeling about everything and she told me that while she understood she didn't agree with what her father and I were doing, referring to us helping Jordan to transition. Hearing her say those words wounded me. I was frozen and didn't know how to respond. To this day, I've never asked her that question again. I am afraid it would break her heart if she still felt that same way (36). There's an indication at the end that things have improved greatly, if not been directly addressed, but oh gosh, family dynamics are so complicated. Evans may not have wanted to go too deeply into that in the book, for obvious reasons, but it's a subject that begs for more material somewhere, by someone. I'm trying to think if I've read anything that really dives into sibling perspectives on having a sibling who is trans, and I'm not coming up with much. (Being Jazz touches on it, but it's minimal. Becoming Nicole goes into it some, because Nicole had an identical twin brother.) And second, I'd have loved to see more extensive general research—Evans's use of research felt pretty specific to Jordan's case, and for a broader audience (or just for parents who are looking for information as well as stories with which to connect) I'd probably look for facts and history and broader detail. I go back and forth on this, because no one book can be expected to do everything and so on, but I also just...love research. And love researched books. Preferably with footnotes and endnotes and extensive reference sections that I can mine for new reading material. (I am told that this is all very weird, and I am also being very restrained and not making this parenthetical a footnote.)

But this: The very first question she [the therapist] asked us was: "What do you want to be achieved here?" My husband and I almost simultaneously said: "We just want a healthy happy child." (24)

That's what matters in the end, isn't it?

I received a free copy of this book from the author in exchange for an honest review.
Profile Image for Stevie Turner.
Author 43 books180 followers
May 21, 2018
I was interested to read this book, as my husband has a similar situation now occurring in his family; his adopted brother has decided to go through a male to female transition at the age of 52. His 88 year old mother will never come to terms with it, and continues to regard him as male.
Mrs Evans' son Jordan was born a girl, but knew at a very early age that he felt male inside. One paragraph stood out where Jordan's teacher asked the schoolchildren to line up - boys in one line and girls in the other, and Jordan stood in the middle.
I cannot begin to really understand the trauma of finding out your body is in a gender that your brain does not associate with. Jordan was a typical tomboy, happy playing with other boys and dressing as a boy. The anguish started at puberty, when he could no longer hide his female body. However, he has a very understanding mother and father who did their best to accommodate Jordan's early transition starting when he was 13 years of age. Unfortunately, his sister Mariah took some time to come to terms with it.
We learn from the book that there are many suicides amongst transgender teenagers, who are desperately unhappy at their plight when puberty strikes. We also learn of the various treatments available to transgender people to help them to transition to their preferred gender. It is quite informative although a relatively short read, but my only quibble is that I thought the price of this ebook was a little too high at £6.42.
I will give this book 5 stars because of the authenticity of the information - from the author's own experience of raising a transgender child. I'm not sure how our own family drama is going to pan out; I rather think that 52 is a little late, but hey, so long as there's a happy outcome in the end that's all that matters.
123 reviews2 followers
October 7, 2018
Great read. Trying to learn more about this topic as it comes to the forefront of political discussions more and more. Not smooth writing, but I love this mom's honesty in sharing her family's experience. This is very informative, considered many opposing viewpoints, and I admire her focus on love and connection throughout.
Profile Image for Cathy Lynn Brooks.
Author 8 books29 followers
December 10, 2018
Cheryl was definitely picked to be Jordan’s mom. She explains everything her family went through and empathizes with Jordan’s struggles. This book is an excellent tool for advocating for transgendered individuals, while educating others to their right to live the life they deserve.
Profile Image for Deb.
171 reviews4 followers
September 13, 2019
This is a fantastic book, not just for families raising a transgender child, but for anyone really. Written in straightforward, easy-to-read language (sometimes too easy to read in my opinion, but that wasn't enough for me to give it a lower rating) this book opens your eyes, reminds you of what you should already know and gently educates you on what you don't.
Profile Image for Maryanne.
6 reviews5 followers
March 6, 2018
Thoughtful account of a family's journey

Cheryl B. Evans shares the journey she, her husband, and their children made as their younger daughter transitioned mental!y, emotionally, and physically to the male gender which matched the internal reality. This book provides information for people who are curious about the process, as well as resources for individuals and families experiencing similar transitions. This book is thoughtful, informative, and addresses religious issues with compassion and without judgment. I recommend it for all who want greater understanding.
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