(showing 1-10 of 37)
I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling. Demetri Martin#Love 67
Demetri Martin#Love 67
I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it. Demetri Martin#Birthday 67
Demetri Martin#Birthday 67
For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.' Demetri Martin#Home 66
Demetri Martin#Home 66
I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny. Demetri Martin#Funny 65
Demetri Martin#Funny 65
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults. Demetri Martin#Fat 64
Demetri Martin#Fat 64
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly. Demetri Martin#Funny 63
Demetri Martin#Funny 63
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.' Demetri Martin#Money 59
Demetri Martin#Money 59
Another term for balloon is bad breath holder. Demetri Martin#Another 58
Demetri Martin#Another 58
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything. Demetri Martin#Sports 58
Demetri Martin#Sports 58
My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal. Demetri Martin#Disposal 56
Demetri Martin#Disposal 56
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