Groucho Marx Quotes


Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana. Groucho Marx Time 234
No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early. Groucho Marx Time 163
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself. Groucho Marx wisdom 148
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but dont let that fool you. He really is an idiot. Groucho Marx Insult 139
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men--the other 999 follow women. Groucho Marx Leadership 139
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. Groucho Marx Women 137
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution? Groucho Marx Marriage 115
Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies. Groucho Marx Art 109
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Groucho Marx Life 109
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. Groucho Marx Intelligence 104
She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon. Groucho Marx Beauty 100
I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book. Groucho Marx Television 98
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. Groucho Marx Humor 94
Room service? Send up a larger room. Groucho Marx Larger 92
Go, and never darken my towels again. Groucho Marx Again 92
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. Groucho Marx Funny 89
All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. Groucho Marx Funny 88
One of the best hearing aids a man can have is an attentive wife. Groucho Marx Marriage 84
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book. Groucho Marx Book 84
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him. Groucho Marx Women 81
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. Groucho Marx Agent 81
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. Groucho Marx Closer 81
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. Groucho Marx Age 81
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. Groucho Marx Cigar 79
Whoever named it necking is a poor judge of anatomy. Groucho Marx Sex 79
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set I go into the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx Media 79
I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it. Groucho Marx Power 78
Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does. Groucho Marx Authors 78
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. Either that or my lucks terrible. Groucho Marx Luck 78
A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. Groucho Marx Animal 75
My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. Groucho Marx Anything 74
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. Groucho Marx Wedding 71
Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. Groucho Marx Poverty 70
The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths. Groucho Marx Time 70
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. Groucho Marx Time 68
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted. Groucho Marx Quote 68
I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt. Groucho Marx First 67
While money cant buy happiness it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery. Groucho Marx Money 67
Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you. Groucho Marx Time 66
I must confess, I was born at a very early age. Groucho Marx Age 66
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. Groucho Marx Music 64
Women should be obscene and not heard. Groucho Marx Women 63
Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know. Groucho Marx Art 62
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member. Groucho Marx Funny 62
Just give me a comfortable couch a dog a good book and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book I might have a little fun. Groucho Marx Dogs 60
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? Groucho Marx Believe 58
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five. Groucho Marx Funny 58
With the possible exception of clothes beauty salons and Frank Sinatra there are few subjects all women agree upon. Groucho Marx Women 57
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom. Groucho Marx Wedding 57
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it. Groucho Marx Beat 52

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Groucho Marx Quotes

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