Jerry Seinfeld Quotes


Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome. Jerry Seinfeld Marriage 187
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. Jerry Seinfeld Anything 102
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms one of thems making a poop the other ones carrying it for him who would you assume is in charge. Jerry Seinfeld Pets 88
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason Jerry Seinfeld Humor 75
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! Jerry Seinfeld Funny 71
You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.' Jerry Seinfeld Birthday 68
The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing. Jerry Seinfeld Car 67
Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV. Jerry Seinfeld Funny 66
If a book about failures doesnt sell is it a success Jerry Seinfeld Funny 60
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. Jerry Seinfeld Thought 58
The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be. Jerry Seinfeld 58
When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself. Jerry Seinfeld Business 55
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death. Jerry Seinfeld Death 51
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. Jerry Seinfeld Family 50
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower I guess theres no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door. Jerry Seinfeld Dance 49
The best revenge is living well. Jerry Seinfeld Revenge 44
I love being a dad. I just love it. Jerry Seinfeld dad 40
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked. Jerry Seinfeld Advice 37
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it. Jerry Seinfeld Funny 33
I dont understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider. Jerry Seinfeld Women 33
Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there. Jerry Seinfeld Anger 30
I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. Jerry Seinfeld Funny 30
I love being a dad. I just love it. Jerry Seinfeld Dad 26
People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. Jerry Seinfeld Uncategorized 24

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Jerry Seinfeld Quotes

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