T.J. Marchitelli Interview Published on: 25, Jul 2024

There wasn’t really a specific moment that I decided to become a grief doula. (I use the word doula rather than coach as I feel a doula is a person who gets into the thick of it with you. Who is there for you in every aspect of what it’s like to have a traumatic loss. To move through the loss with you. Doulas are important, they get into the mess with you.)

So, it wasn’t really a specific moment, it happened organically over time. People close to me losing a loved one and wanting to talk about it with someone who was also grieving, mourning a loss.

The author part happened as an inspiration from a very desperate time in my life. I knew I wanted to write a book about the mistakes and pitfalls that entrapped me during the first two years after my husband’s death. The title of the book came to me in a flash. What Not To Do When Your Husband Dies. The neuroscience part came years later.

My background in Tibetan Buddhism trained me to look at my mind, to not run away from what is happening in my life. To examine what comes up and make friends with the obstacles. We’re usually feeling good when things are going well for us and thrown into turmoil when they’re not. By working with our minds through a meditation practice we can come to a place of equilibrium so no matter what happens we can be grounded in the present moment. This doesn’t mean we don’t have emotions or emotional outbursts. It’s simply a way of not letting our emotions run wild, a way to recenter ourselves.

There are so many misconceptions about grief. I think the most hurtful one is “you’ll get over it”. You’ll get over the loss of a life partner, spouse, child, parent. Yes, things change over time but in my experience, and it’s been 29 years since my husband’s death, there isn’t a day that I don’t miss him, speak his name out loud and mourn the fact that he isn’t here growing old with me. No matter what other relationship I’m in there is always that shadow.

That grief happens in stages is another misconception. It doesn’t. Grief is a twisty-turny, discombobulated, non-linear, rollercoaster ride that ebbs and turns up again when least expected.

One of my biggest insights was that my strength during the first several years in my grief process became my vulnerability. I had two young children that had just lost their father. I needed to be strong for them. My family and friends took that as a sign that I was “dealing” with my grief in a positive way. I wanted help. I needed help. This became one of my biggest mistakes - not having the support system I needed during this difficult time in my life. Creating a support system through a “Board of Trust-eds” is a key focus in my work.

Another insight had to do with my years of meditation practice. I had been a student and practitioner of Tibetan Buddhism for 20 years at the time of my husband’s death. I could certainly calm myself down and focus (to a degree!) on what needed my attention but I kept going around in the same emotional loops. This was a sticking point in writing my book — why were habitual patterns controlling my ability to see clearly? My answer to that question came when I auspiciously met a neuroscientist who became my teacher and mentor. I was able to understand how grief affects the brain and ultimately hijacks the mind.

When I work with people or give a talk about grief, the first thing we do is ground ourselves in our bodies and in the room we are in. I lead a short meditation practice centered on the breath that helps us settle into the present moment.

The inspiration for writing my book came from the mistakes I made as a young widow with two young children. Hindsight gave me a clear vision about the choices and options that I might have uncovered if I had a support system to help, a circle of care-ers.

The first strategy is to allow yourself to grieve. Accepting that grief is a natural and necessary process is crucial. It's important to allow oneself to feel and express emotions without judgment.

Do some journaling: The power you gain from writing about thoughts and feelings can be a therapeutic way to process grief. I have created an emotional journaling workshop specifically for people who are grieving. It will be available on my website by Labor Day.

Find a creative expression that resonates with you. Art, music, dance, and other forms of creativity can provide an outlet for emotions that are otherwise difficult to understand or verbalize.

This is definitely where a Board of Trust-eds makes a significant impact to someone grieving. There is an entire section in my book that goes into detail about setting this up.

I hope that people are inspired to understand grief and to learn how their brains function.

Supporting a friend or family member through the grieving process can be challenging, but a close friend’s presence and compassion can make a significant difference. Sometimes just being there is enough. Sit with them, offer a hug, or simply listen without trying to fix anything. Check in regularly. Allow them to express their feelings without interruption. Listening can be more helpful than offering advice.

Offer practical help. Assist with chores, shopping, etc.

Respect their grieving process. Everyone grieves differently. Respect their way of coping, whether it involves crying, talking, or needing time alone. Don’t judge them.

Most importantly, Share memories. Sharing your memories of the person can be a comfort. Say their name, talk about them. Too often, people are afraid of talking about the deceased person. To the grieving person, it’s as if any hint of their loved one has vanished from people’s minds.

The role of community and social support in the grieving process cannot be overstated. It provides a network of care that can significantly ease the burden of grief, promoting healing and emotional well-being. Creating a Board of Trust-eds gives emotional and practical support that can help ease the burden of loss.

Meaning and purpose are as individual as the grieving process. I’ve created an “option board” workshop that is designed to uncover meaning and purpose by exploring your dreams and desire. Option board workshops are interactive and structured sessions that guide participants through exploring various aspects of their lives, values, and goals.

Self-care practices fall into many categories that can provide a holistic approach to managing grief. Self-care practices can address physical, emotional, mental, social, spiritual, practical, and creative needs.

One of the most important ones is to be kind to yourself. Stay connected to people you love. Write, journal, garden, take walks in nature. Set small goals. Create rituals for yourself, especially around anniversaries, birthdays and death days. Meditate, do yoga. Talk to a therapist or grief professional.

My study and research in understanding the impact that grief has on the brain and how that connects with dysfunction in the mind has been particularly rewarding for me because it addresses grief, no matter what kind of trauma caused the grief. While the title of my book is seemingly for a woman who has lost her husband, my book is for anyone who is struggling with loss.

I’ve used social media to promote my book. I’m currently redesigning my website and will use it to engage my readers and offer more content — a blog, podcast, ebooks.

I found AllAuthor through a newsletter that I receive. It’s a great resource for authors and offers a comprehensive way to promote your book. I am excited to be included in what AllAuthor has to offer!