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Tim Vine Quotes


I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish. I need a deadline. I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining standing in front of all these people. Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum. Tim Vine Coffee 101
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin. Tim Vine Dad 82
So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me Can you give me a lift? I said Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' Tim Vine Car 79
One of the things I like about when I tour sometimes is that occasionally you'll see a dad there with his 12-year-old son and they're both enjoying it. Tim Vine Dad 76
I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy. Tim Vine Bit 75
I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down. Tim Vine History 64
Black beauty - he's a dark horse. Tim Vine Beauty 59
Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds. Tim Vine Blow 58
So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.' Tim Vine Home 57
Velcro: what a rip-off. Tim Vine Rip-off 55
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red. Tim Vine Came 38
If you compulsively pun you are called a paronomasiac. Tim Vine Uncategorized 35
My DVD cellophane was put on by a psychiatrist. It was shrink-wrapped. Tim Vine Uncategorized 30
People think that because of my act that I must have a really busy mind and I must be driven. I really am not. I quite like going outside and looking at spiders on a hedge in my garden and stuff. Tim Vine Uncategorized 27

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