Karl Pilkington Pet Quotes


A brick could be used for good or for evil. The Brick of Creation or the Brick of Destruction. While youre deep in thought contemplating which one youd rather use Ill be over there looting your house. Jarod Kintz Surreal 87
A blanket could be used to show love by providing warmth comfort and an itchiness of desire that cannot be satisfied by a single scratch. Jarod Kintz Surreal 83
A blanket can be a meditation device. If the blanket is white and you stare at it you can blank out your mind and find peace within yourself. Jarod Kintz Surreal 83
Im glad scrambled eggs dont have lips because when Im grinning over a hearty breakfast it would really freak me out to see my breakfast grinning back. Ive eaten a man for less than that. Jarod Kintz Surreal 82
A brick could be carried to the beach. You can bring your laptop or tablet and work from anywhere in the world but when you get that brick in the sand youre symbolically saying This is my buildingand my office has the best possible view. Jarod Kintz Surreal 76
A gas station pumpjukebox. Look my car runs on 80s music Jarod Kintz Surreal 76
A blanket could represent change and a brick represents consistency. Do you embrace the blanket or the brick Jarod Kintz Surreal 74
Which half do you want me to cut in half Mr. Halfofhalf The names Onequarter. Johnny Onequarter. And dont you forget it. Jarod Kintz Surreal 70
A brick could be used to direct traffic. Use a brick from the scene of the accident where some driver ran into a brick wall. Jarod Kintz Surreal 68
A brick could be used to send a message. The quickest way to send it would be through the air and it would make more of an impact than an email or a text message. Jarod Kintz Surreal 64
Its not uncommon for me to be early to meetings by as much as a half a gallon. I guess the reason I am so punctual is because I have a very fluid concept of time. Jarod Kintz Surreal 63
A brick should decide who gets to rule the people and I should decide what rules determine whom the brick favors. Jarod Kintz Surreal 62
My erection at noon causes an elongated shadow so black youd think I was an albino. Jarod Kintz Surreal 56
A brown blanket could be used in place of chocolate frosting on a cake and since nobody will want to eat it youll be left with more cake for yourself. Jarod Kintz Surreal 51
A brick pressed over each ear may protect from loud noises like a jackhammer. For softer noises that are annoying like snoring Id recommend covering your ears with a blanket. Jarod Kintz Surreal 49
I cant define what love is. Thats like eating a pancake with a waffle instead of a fork. But you know it when you feel it like petting a cat wearing a synthetic fur coat. Jarod Kintz Surreal 47
A blanket could be used as a trap to ensnare two entangled lovers. Using this method is how I found my current girlfriend and my new best guy friend. Jarod Kintz Surreal 46
A gray wrinkled blanket represents the cloudy weather forecast for tomorrow. Id recommend carrying an umbrella with you the whole daystarting with your morning shower or bath. Jarod Kintz Surreal 45
A blanket could be hooked to ropes and attached to the body of a swimmer in training to provide resistance and increase strength and endurance. Those very same ropes could be used to tie me to my bed to keep me from falling asleep. Jarod Kintz Surreal 44
A brick could be a breath freshener for a dragon. But so could a mintflavored baby. Jarod Kintz Surreal 43
A blanket no matter how thin could be sliced thinner and in this way one blanket could be used to keep a multitude of people warm. But not that warm. Jarod Kintz Surreal 43
A brick could be used to represent a waste of time. Just stare at it for a while and youll see what I mean. Jarod Kintz Surreal 42
A brick could be used as a steak knife and a fly swatter could be used as a meat tenderizer. Jarod Kintz Surreal 40
Orafoura paid me in pajamas and I let him because the pajamas matched his plaid mustache. Jarod Kintz Surreal 40
Salmon swim against my stream of consciousness. Jarod Kintz Surreal 40
I think the two greatest inventions in the history of mankind are the remote control and the fingernail clipper. Now if someone could just combine those two Id be very eager to clip my nails from across the room. Jarod Kintz Surreal 38
A blanket represents softness a brick represents hardness and a penis represents bothdepending on how aroused it is. I seek out women who bring out the brick in me. Jarod Kintz Surreal 37
I was rubbing the pieces of bacon like they were strands of a lovers hair. Of course they werent because all my exes had hair like scrambled eggs. Jarod Kintz Surreal 37
A brick could be put on the end of a scale to determine if the other end of the scale holds a lie or the truth. Hint The truth is much heavier than a brick. Jarod Kintz Surreal 36
A brick could be shoved in your buttocks. You know for your enjoyment. Jarod Kintz Surreal 36
A brick could be locked in a safe because nobody will try to steal it there. Jarod Kintz Surreal 36
A brick could be affixed under one of your shoes to give your walk a limp that makes people more sympathetic towards you. Gimps get all the girls. Jarod Kintz Surreal 36
A football could be swapped out for a brick to make family reunion football games more fun. But Im calling it right now I get to be quarterback. Jarod Kintz Surreal 35
A blanket could be used to cover up my shame. And if its a big enough blanket it could also be used to cover up the naked and sweaty body of my clone. Jarod Kintz Surreal 35
Two bricks parallel and horizontal equals an equal sign. Jarod Kintz Surreal 35
Love doesnt spend its time watering your plants. But it might bubblegum swank monkey mouth with youtwice. Jarod Kintz Surreal 35
A brick could be placed in an empty circular room so that when you tell a dunce to go stand in the corner he wont feel so stupid and will know where to go. Jarod Kintz Surreal 35
A blanket could be considered part of performance art if youre inconsiderate and steal all the covers while were asleepand film me shivering and twitching in the night. Jarod Kintz Surreal 35
A brick could be used to measure the speed of gravity but an apple offers a tastier option. Jarod Kintz Surreal 34
A brick would make a great stocking stuffer at Christmasespecially if you chisel it out of the fireplace the stocking is hanging from. Let the homeowner know how much you care. Jarod Kintz Surreal 34
I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I could admire my receding hairline in the mirror. Jarod Kintz Surreal 33
A brick can be used as a nickname for people who are slow both physically and intellectually. Jarod Kintz Surreal 33
A blanket could be used to represent the Rectangle of Desire. In nine out of ten cases it was more effective than Viagra. The tenth case was found to contain a lot of cash and the participant made off with the money without completing the study. Jarod Kintz Surreal 33
A brick could be used to tell how hard the wind is blowing. If the wind blows the brick around Id get out of there immediately. Jarod Kintz Surreal 33
I saw something scary. It was a boy asking me what Im doing naked in his fathers fridge. Dinner partys over. Jarod Kintz Surreal 33
On the night of the murder I was at home asleep. The characters in my dream can vouch for me. Jarod Kintz Surreal 32
A brick and a blanket aptly describe my former roommate. He was as dumb as a brick and only highly functional on a bed. Or so I heardnot that Id know from personal experience. Jarod Kintz Surreal 31
A tailor walks into a lawyer and the bar says I like your suit. And the tailor replies This morning I spotted a nonsequitur detective. Dont worry he didnt follow me. Jarod Kintz Surreal 30
A brick and a blanket need a logo and Im just the designer to hire to sit around idly as I ideally charge you by the hour. Jarod Kintz Surreal 30
A brick could be used to keep you three inches away from death. Jarod Kintz Surreal 29

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Karl Pilkington Pet Quotes

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