Dave Barry Quotes


I love the Olympics because they enable people from all over the world to come together andregardless of their political or cultural differencesaccuse each other of cheating. Dave Barry Sports 169
The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting. Dave Barry communication 132
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. Dave Barry Chicago 96
Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting. Dave Barry Actual 92
Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at least 172 miles per hour upside down. Dave Barry car 90
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry. Dave Barry Concerned 90
The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example. Dave Barry Dennis 90
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective. Dave Barry Extremely 89
We idolized the Beatles, except for those of us who idolized the Rolling Stones, who in those days still had many of their original teeth. Dave Barry Beatles 88
maybe somebody finally shot the dog. Dave Barry Dog 85
The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice. Dave Barry Anybody 84
When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy. Dave Barry Humor 83
But if I hadnt shoved you off the boat back thereyoud be lost at sea nowwouldnt you Wed all be lost So thanks to me youre all standing on land. Pirates its a good thing theyre idiots Dave Barry Humorous 82
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. Dave Barry Health 81
It is inhumane, in my opinion, to force people who have a genuine medical need for coffee to wait in line behind people who apparently view it as some kind of recreational activity. Dave Barry Coffee 80
There comes a time in a mans life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head he will hang up the phone immediately. Dave Barry Brain 80
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires. Dave Barry Believe 78
The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television. Dave Barry Brain 77
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing. This is why it takes several million sperm cells... to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is, relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. Dave Barry Babies 77
Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically. Dave Barry Women 77
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice. Dave Barry Time 77
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face. Dave Barry Sports 76
I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War. Dave Barry Approximately 74
I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems. Dave Barry Car 73
The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat. Dave Barry Computer 73
If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved and never will achieve its full potential that word would be meetings. Dave Barry Work 72
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. Dave Barry Funny 72
As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula. Dave Barry Fear 71
The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery. Dave Barry Time 71
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species. Dave Barry Endangered 71
What Women Want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What Men Want: Tickets for the world series. Dave Barry Women 70
I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford. Dave Barry Afford 69
A person who is nice to you but is not nice to the waiter is not a nice person. Dave Barry Uncategorized 68
I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. Dave Barry Faces 65
I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer. Dave Barry computers 64
You can say any fool thing to a dog and the dog will just give you this look that says My GOSH youre RIGHT I NEVER wouldve thought of that Dave Barry Dogs 64
Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions. Dave Barry Technology 63
The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. Dave Barry death 63
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. Dave Barry Patriotism 63
Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print. Dave Barry Religion 62
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet. Dave Barry Metric 62
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. Dave Barry Life 62
You should not confuse your career with your life. Dave Barry Work 62
Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep. Dave Barry Saint 61
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship. Dave Barry Relationship 59
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them. Dave Barry Almost 58
Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent of all accidents involving falling objects. Dave Barry Accidents 57
Magnetism, as you recall from physics class, is a powerful force that causes certain items to be attracted to refrigerators. Dave Barry Attracted 57
Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough. Dave Barry Activity 55
My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted to end the game as soon as possible. Dave Barry Chess 55

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